(Why I relate more to squirrels than men!)

By: Josie Mac 

If squirrels can survive falling out of  trees… explain to me why grown men collapse over sneezing.

Quick side note before we begin.

At some point I realized something about myself.

I’m basically a squirrel.

I definitely don’t have all my ducks in a row.

In fact, one of them might actually be a pigeon.

There’s a strong possibility another one is a chicken.

At this point the whole lineup looks suspicious.

But I can gather nuts like nobody’s business.  Unfortunately, I don’t mean the snack kind.  If you know… you know. Can’t make this Crap up.

For some reason the people kind just… find me.

Like I’m running some sort of woodland intake center for chaotic humans.

And honestly?

I’d much rather be gathering the ones you can actually consume.

Much more relaxing.

And I can speak with confidence about them — because frankly… I relate.

Squirrels fall out of trees all the time.

We’re talking forty-foot drops straight from the heavens.

They bounce once, shake it off, and keep running like nothing happened.

Because when life throws you out of a tree,

you don’t lie on the ground complaining.

You bounce once, grab a snack, and keep moving.

Which brings us to a fascinating comparison.

Woodland creatures vs. men experiencing mild discomfort.

Possum

A possum gets attacked by a coyote, loses half its body weight, drags itself to safety, climbs a tree, and still somehow manages to raise a family.

Man sneezes twice.

“BABE… I think… I need to lie down… my head feels weird… do I have a fever? Feel my forehead — NO WAIT — don’t touch me — I want soup but not that soup.”

Squirrel

Falls from a forty-foot tree.

Bounces.

Keeps going like it didn’t just plunge from the heavens.

Man sits wrong for 0.7 seconds.

“OH MY GOD MY BACK.”

Lays on the floor for dramatic effect.

Possibly clutches a pillow.

Considers early retirement.

Raccoon

Gets hit with a broom.  Eats questionable garbage.  Survives a winter storm.

Still shows up at 3 AM ready to fight the entire neighborhood like it owns the place.

Man gets a sliver.  Drops to his knees like he’s reenacting a war movie.

And honestly, we need to circle back to possums again.

Because they are truly icons.

Possums will literally play dead, resurrect themselves, wander off, run a marathon of survival nonsense, and still return later to eat your trash like nothing ever happened.

Honestly?

That pretty much sums up my life.

Which really makes me wonder sometimes —

am I becoming more like the animals…

or are the animals just more human than some people?

Meanwhile a man watches his wife open the pickle jar he swears he “loosened,”

and now he requires emotional support for the next three business days.

Then we’re apparently holding a small memorial service for his dignity.

Counseling sessions may also be scheduled to process the emotional trauma.

At this point I’ve learned something important.

Woodland creatures survive falls, predators, winter storms, and literal chaos.

Men survive… sneezing.

Which honestly explains why I relate more to squirrels.

They bounce back, keep moving, and gather their nuts.

Meanwhile I’m over here doing the same thing —

just with the human variety.

Because at the end of the day…

Woodland creatures survive predators, storms, and gravity.

Men survive mild inconvenience.

And me?

I survive the nuts… yup the crazy chaotic kind.